I believing in bring more consciousness ( = awareness + choice) to all areas of my life. So being conscious in relating, whether with a partner or co-workers or friends make sense to me. While I can learn and grow from any relationship even one started by chance, I think I can get much more learning, growth, support, love and whatever other qualities and results I am looking for when I am conscious in my choices of who I relate with more, and who I chose deliberately to spend less time with or in some cases no further time at all.


Part of consciously relating is knowing what works for you in a particular kind of relationship role. I might have certain qualities and experience I am looking for in a lover, a different list for hiring an employee, another one in the kind of companies I want to work for and a forth list for what kind of friends I want to cultivate. I could even have a list for the qualities I want in my family relationships. After all I get to chose how much and what kind of time I spend with my blood family and if I want different qualities I can send (silent) blessings for them to change, for me to accept them as they are or for me to find a "family of choice" member that fits me better. No relationship has be "stuck as that is how it is and you can't chose differently". Sure every choice I make has consequences and when I am in my power I am responsible (= I get to chose how I respond) for my choices. There might be overlap between my lists based on important value that I personally hold such as in my case honesty, freedom and playfulness and sometimes it is good to have positive relationships that are total out of the list to spice things up!


This is an interesting article below on this topic which prompted me to write the above text. I have not read the book, so I won't comment on that and I have met Dr Wendy and she is talented.


What are your thoughts on conscious relating? And bonus question: how does it work for poly and BDSM relationships and scenes?


My book, Roadmap to Success with Deepak Chopra and Ken Blanchard is available at Book Passage in Corte Madera www.BookPassage.com and on my website.  To order your signed copy, see www.MyTrueLovePath.com.  
Here's an excerpt from my chapter Roadmap to Relationship Success  Roadmap to Success Book Cover

"Dr. Wendy,

Why is it important to have a roadmap in order to have successful relationships?"



Our relationships with others are the cornerstones of our lives. They are the foundation that supports us as we grow. When we have a solid foundation, we can more easily thrive and prosper in every aspect of our lives. When our relationships are successful, they are our greatest source of pleasure and inspiration, and when they are unsuccessful, they can be our greatest source of pain and sorrow.  



Given the supreme importance of our relationships, it has always puzzled me that this part of our lives is generally left to chance. If we want to succeed in our careers, we expect to study and train for many years. If we want to learn how to play a musical instrument, or how to speak another language, we know we'll have to put in countless hours of study and practice. Yet, when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones, most of us believe the fairytale that our true love will appear magically by chance, and then we'll live happily ever after.



Since most of us believe the myth that our relationships should just happen automatically, we also believe that there is no need for us to prepare, to learn skills or become educated about ourselves or relationships. Therefore, most people haven't learned how to develop a supportive relationship with themselves, or how to create successful relationships with others.



Unfortunately, the consequences of wandering around without a roadmap, training or education can be disastrous. Without a roadmap, we may become our own worst enemies, criticizing and sabotaging ourselves rather than supporting ourselves to be our best. Without a roadmap, we may be blinded by lust, and get involved with people who are not good matches for us. Without a roadmap, we may blame, judge and make assumptions about others, often becoming manipulative bullies or disempowered victims.



In the past decade, I've seen many singles who were frustrated and discouraged about dating, couples who bickered constantly, clients with long-term grudges and resentments towards family members, and those who felt mistreated at work and unable to communicate with bosses and co-workers. All of these relationships, whether at work or in our private lives, share common basics. They all thrive on respect, honest communication, trust and support, and they all suffer when these qualities are not present.



We start to learn about relationships before we can talk and patterns begin when we're young. When the people that we care about are supportive of our success, and trust and believe in us, we have the foundation we need to live successful lives. As children, we flourish when our relationships with our family are stable, supportive, and inspire our growth. As adults, we flourish when our romantic partnerships are stable, supportive and inspire our growth. When we have loving, supportive partners at home, we are better able to succeed in our careers and in every other area of our lives.



Most people claim that their romantic relationships are of utmost importance, yet they tend to pair up with romantic partners without gathering enough information to know if they are making good choices. Believing that relationships should just "happen," couples continue to just "happen" to get together and more often than not, they "happen" to not get along well enough to sustain a long-term commitment. Some stay unhappily together, but most separate and move on to the next partner without learning how to make a wiser, more conscious choice next time.



Can you imagine buying a car or house that you happened to stumble across and then expecting it to work well for you for many years? Of course not! We give a great deal of thought to the types of houses we want to live in and the type of cars we want to drive. In fact, most people spend much more time researching which car they should buy than consciously choosing which mate they should marry! Does that mean we care more about cars than relationships? No. It means that we've overlooked an essential component to loving successfully. We haven't realized that with the right roadmap, support and information, all our relationships could run as smoothly as any well-tuned luxury sports car. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter.  Have a wonderful autumn!  If you know anyone who may be interested in a complimentary consultation, please pass this along to them.  Thanks!  I welcome any feedback, wish you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!  
Much love and joy,
Dr. Wendy
Wendy Lyon, Ph.D., Psychology
Master Certified Relationship &
Life Coach
Workshop, Course and Retreat Facilitator
(415) 342-1300
DrWendy (at) MyTrueLovePath.com