Abundant Michael: Relationship

Conscious relationships - how does a roadmap help?

I believing in bring more consciousness ( = awareness + choice) to all areas of my life. So being conscious in relating, whether with a partner or co-workers or friends make sense to me. While I can learn and grow from any relationship even one started by chance, I think I can get much more learning, growth, support, love and whatever other qualities and results I am looking for when I am conscious in my choices of who I relate with more, and who I chose deliberately to spend less time with or in some cases no further time at all.


Part of consciously relating is knowing what works for you in a particular kind of relationship role. I might have certain qualities and experience I am looking for in a lover, a different list for hiring an employee, another one in the kind of companies I want to work for and a forth list for what kind of friends I want to cultivate. I could even have a list for the qualities I want in my family relationships. After all I get to chose how much and what kind of time I spend with my blood family and if I want different qualities I can send (silent) blessings for them to change, for me to accept them as they are or for me to find a "family of choice" member that fits me better. No relationship has be "stuck as that is how it is and you can't chose differently". Sure every choice I make has consequences and when I am in my power I am responsible (= I get to chose how I respond) for my choices. There might be overlap between my lists based on important value that I personally hold such as in my case honesty, freedom and playfulness and sometimes it is good to have positive relationships that are total out of the list to spice things up!


This is an interesting article below on this topic which prompted me to write the above text. I have not read the book, so I won't comment on that and I have met Dr Wendy and she is talented.


What are your thoughts on conscious relating? And bonus question: how does it work for poly and BDSM relationships and scenes?


My book, Roadmap to Success with Deepak Chopra and Ken Blanchard is available at Book Passage in Corte Madera www.BookPassage.com and on my website.  To order your signed copy, see www.MyTrueLovePath.com.  
Here's an excerpt from my chapter Roadmap to Relationship Success  Roadmap to Success Book Cover

"Dr. Wendy,

Why is it important to have a roadmap in order to have successful relationships?"



Our relationships with others are the cornerstones of our lives. They are the foundation that supports us as we grow. When we have a solid foundation, we can more easily thrive and prosper in every aspect of our lives. When our relationships are successful, they are our greatest source of pleasure and inspiration, and when they are unsuccessful, they can be our greatest source of pain and sorrow.  



Given the supreme importance of our relationships, it has always puzzled me that this part of our lives is generally left to chance. If we want to succeed in our careers, we expect to study and train for many years. If we want to learn how to play a musical instrument, or how to speak another language, we know we'll have to put in countless hours of study and practice. Yet, when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones, most of us believe the fairytale that our true love will appear magically by chance, and then we'll live happily ever after.



Since most of us believe the myth that our relationships should just happen automatically, we also believe that there is no need for us to prepare, to learn skills or become educated about ourselves or relationships. Therefore, most people haven't learned how to develop a supportive relationship with themselves, or how to create successful relationships with others.



Unfortunately, the consequences of wandering around without a roadmap, training or education can be disastrous. Without a roadmap, we may become our own worst enemies, criticizing and sabotaging ourselves rather than supporting ourselves to be our best. Without a roadmap, we may be blinded by lust, and get involved with people who are not good matches for us. Without a roadmap, we may blame, judge and make assumptions about others, often becoming manipulative bullies or disempowered victims.



In the past decade, I've seen many singles who were frustrated and discouraged about dating, couples who bickered constantly, clients with long-term grudges and resentments towards family members, and those who felt mistreated at work and unable to communicate with bosses and co-workers. All of these relationships, whether at work or in our private lives, share common basics. They all thrive on respect, honest communication, trust and support, and they all suffer when these qualities are not present.



We start to learn about relationships before we can talk and patterns begin when we're young. When the people that we care about are supportive of our success, and trust and believe in us, we have the foundation we need to live successful lives. As children, we flourish when our relationships with our family are stable, supportive, and inspire our growth. As adults, we flourish when our romantic partnerships are stable, supportive and inspire our growth. When we have loving, supportive partners at home, we are better able to succeed in our careers and in every other area of our lives.



Most people claim that their romantic relationships are of utmost importance, yet they tend to pair up with romantic partners without gathering enough information to know if they are making good choices. Believing that relationships should just "happen," couples continue to just "happen" to get together and more often than not, they "happen" to not get along well enough to sustain a long-term commitment. Some stay unhappily together, but most separate and move on to the next partner without learning how to make a wiser, more conscious choice next time.



Can you imagine buying a car or house that you happened to stumble across and then expecting it to work well for you for many years? Of course not! We give a great deal of thought to the types of houses we want to live in and the type of cars we want to drive. In fact, most people spend much more time researching which car they should buy than consciously choosing which mate they should marry! Does that mean we care more about cars than relationships? No. It means that we've overlooked an essential component to loving successfully. We haven't realized that with the right roadmap, support and information, all our relationships could run as smoothly as any well-tuned luxury sports car. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter.  Have a wonderful autumn!  If you know anyone who may be interested in a complimentary consultation, please pass this along to them.  Thanks!  I welcome any feedback, wish you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!  
Much love and joy,
Dr. Wendy
Wendy Lyon, Ph.D., Psychology
Master Certified Relationship &
Life Coach
Workshop, Course and Retreat Facilitator
(415) 342-1300
DrWendy (at) MyTrueLovePath.com

What are Aquarian vs Piscean relationship values?

Nice list from Kelly Bryson's website (NVC author and NFNC speaker) that seems to fit with the Aquarian age that we entered three months ago. Kelly refers to Aquarian relationships as Trust Based and Piscean ones as Traditional

Trust Based Relationships

Below is a comparison list of relationship values.  I am comparing Trust Based Relationship Values in contrast with Tradition Based Relationship Values, because consciousness loves contrast and the differences become more distinct when compared.  This is my own list and attempt to clarify my relationship values.  I hope this helps you in your process, and please feel free to comment below, although I may not answer each individually.

Trust Based Relationship Values
Tradition Based Relationship Values
God is Secure, all loving, and a super Natural Earthy Divine Intelligence   God is insecure, vengeful, angry, male
Present oriented   Future and Past Oriented
Equity in time getting listened to more   Dominate (historically male) gets heard
Living arrangement created to serve needs   Assumed nuclear family single home
Fidelity includes transparency about Exclusivity Erotic inner world   Fidelity is only about Sexual
Experimentation and evolution of Relationship valued more   Security and Homeostasis valued
No one is allowed to give in, only giving to is valued of giving   Frequent struggle of the “Fairness”
Love is a freely given Gift   Love is Expected
Love is Free   Love is Earned
Celebrates individual incomparableness   Strives to be treated as Special Number One
True Celebration of what each one brings to the union joyfully   Regret for the sacrifice one is making for relationship. (Bachelor Party to say goodbye to freedom and forbidden fruit)
Unconditional love   Conditional Love
Love each other’s free will   Threatened by, or competitive with, other’s free will
Sex as communion w/Cosmos   Sex as Spousal Duty
Seeks expansion/growth in both   Stays small to not threaten partner
Trusts in Universe   Trusts in the Relationship
Values of restorative Justice   Values retributive Justice
Frequently sits w/the unknown   Avoids anxiety of unknown thru business, and following rules and roles
Sex is seen as transformative & transcendent for Spiritual Development and Bonding Purposes   Sex is for Release
Community Empathize in Empowering Ways   Community Colludes in Disempowering ways
Sex is all Chakra Focused   Sex is genitally focused (2nd Chakra)


Love yourself first

Love yourself first is the key to good realtionships. This is a great article that explains this and the law of Attraction for realtionships by my friend Dianne, who is also a gifted astrologer. As Jesus and other masters have said "Love  your neighbor like yourself" - this includes loving yourself as much as yu love others! (It doesn't say love yourself less than others). Happy relating




The Way to Healthly Relationships


Perhaps nothing brings more people to their knees (or to an astrologer) than the trials and tribulations of relating to others - especially family, work, neighbor and intimate relationships. I was my number one challenge for years - and it remains of utmost importance to me - to have loving, supportive relationships.


Along the way, I have discovered a powerful key to finding and maintaining healthy relationships. In fact it is one of the keys we will be covering in my "7 Keys to Consciously Thriving in Changing Times" teleseminar and workshop.


The way to healthy relationships is through cultivating a loving, supportive relationship with yourself first.


It may sound counter-intuitive, but let me explain why this is true. You are the perceiver and interpreter of all the experiences of your life. Therefore, whatever happens externally, you are the one who gives it all the meaning it holds. When someone doesn't call when you expected or at all, you decide whether that was because they don't care about you any more, were absent-minded, too busy, or whatever.


If you are the one who decides what has meaning in any relationship, it stands to reason you are more likely to encounter (read "interpret") positive relationships when you are feeling good about yourself.


When you feel worthy and valued in yourself, you not only experience (read "interpret") more positive interactions, but you are also more likely to express more love and support to others. You will find those who are attracted to you are naturally more loving and supportive of you just as you are, with all of your strengths and weaknesses.


Those who don't appreciate you just fall by the wayside as you will seek out the company of those who do. If you feel good about yourself, why would you settle for the company of anyone who was less than a loving, supportive influence?


You can hold a loving and kind attitude for everyone, yet choose not to endure the company of anyone who disrespects, takes advantage of or minimizes who you are. We are meant to live, love and be happy without becoming anyone's "punching bag" - literally or figuratively.


So, what does it mean to be loving and supportive of yourself? You can start by catching that critical voice, which is actually abusive self-talk, and talk back to it. Say the kinds of encouraging, supportive words to yourself that you would say to your best friend. Acknowledge when you have done something well or been kind to another. And even if you think you have fallen short, simply encourage yourself to do better next time and let go of the guilt.


Next, listen for what your emotions are telling you. What brings you joy? What do you dislike? Move away from distressing emotional situations as if pushing away from a hot stove. Make time to do the things you enjoy as you open up to the wonders of the world around you.


You will begin to notice that as you start treating yourself with the same loving support that  you would give to your best friend, you are paving the way to healthier relationships with others.


As always, your feedback is welcome. 
If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends. Simply use the "Forward" link at the bottom. Thanks so much!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTILCE IN YOUR WEBSITE OR IN YOUR NEWSLETTER? You may as long as you include this: Dianne Eppler Adams works with spiritually-oriented, mission-driven people to deepen an awareness of their authentic self and thus step confidently forward. If you are ready to infuse more purpose and meaning in your life, visit her website at www.SpiritinMatters.com.

How to overcome the addiction to partner?

I liked this. I have been working on eliminating "I will miss you" from
my vocabulary and instead focus on what is here now. Missing is an
emotion of lack for me and I chose to focus on what I do have.

[email protected] wrote:
> A reply from some time ago…
> --------------------------------------
> Your addiction to your partner...
> When you base your feeling of happiness on something outside of yourself
> it does not work ?- you will never feel fully fulfilled.
> Your feeling of well-being is dependant on something that is not under
> your control.
> If they were to die, or leave, you would have a choice: curl up and be
> depressed; find another partner - with whom to depend upon for happiness;
> be with yourself and feel what you are feeling.
> If you look to the past, or the future, you are not here.
> The depth of the state of well-being is in this moment. Only this moment.
> If you look back you are not here; if you look forward you are not here.
> Life/living is here now. Now.
> Missing something is not here; looking forward to something is not here.
> And there is only here. Missing something equals not being here; looking
> forward to something equals not being here.
> When your partner is not there, be where you are, in each moment.
> When the mind goes one nanosecond to the past, or future, you will not be
> here now, and you will feel missing. Be in each moment ? just each moment,
> and be with how it is, or take responsibility, and change it.
> Either be here, and feel what you are feeling, or go there, but not here
> complaining about not being there. Be responsible.
> If you have decided to be where you are, and your partner is not there (or
> even if they are there) just be with who you are, in that very moment.
> Do not listen to the addictive process of the mind. Be where you are,
> exactly as you are. If you are away, and missing them, and you have
> decided to stay away, just feel exactly what you are feeling, and accept
> it.
> Don’t complain it is not intelligent.
> (In the film What the Bleep one scientist keeps saying that when you look
> at
> an object, say, a chair, a certain part of the brain is activated. If you
> are blindfolded and asked to think of the chair, the same part of the brain
> is activated in exactly the same way. So when we look ? do we see a chair,
> or our brain activation? When we see our partner, do we see out partner,
> or our brain simulation?)

Erotic Reading Night 2/9/11 - Wed Gathering in Rockville

This Wednesday Sandbox gathering we share Erotic Reading Night with Nancy Smeltzer. She writes: "Dear Ones, a few years ago, I suggested the idea of having an erotic reading night for a Sandbox Gathering. A Sacred Sexuality group that I belong to out in the Bay area, did it once as a bedtime gathering for the group….sort of an adult version of story time. People could either bring something they had written, or pick something that appealed to them. (It was very interesting how differently men and women choose what turns them on.)"


We did the same thing for a Sandbox event last year, and it was one of the best attended events ever. Randy and I thought it might be fun to do again, so on Feb. 9th, 2011, for Valentine’s Day, bring us your steamiest best, and after dinner, we'll have a go at tickling your auditory sensations. Please keep the reading time to five minutes, as there were a LOT of people who didn’t get to read last time. Be on time, as the reading will start at 8pm, and you don’t want to miss out on one juicy moment. Who’s bringing the chocolate????

Nancy Smeltzer is a co-developer of the energy healing technique, Renaissance of the Heart. www.hearthealing.net Together with her healing partners, Dr. Mary Pellicer, MD, and Ceitllyn Connal, their modality has been used with clients in their long distance healing practice throughout the US and Canada; Russia, Switzerland; and Australia. As a self-taught clairvoyant, clairaudient, and clairsentient, she describes as being enrolled in the “School of the Divine”, and is “shown” what she needs to know in order to help her clients. Nancy also uses her skills in her ongoing research in consciousness and has collaborated with a number of other alternative healers.

The reading begins after dinner at 8pm. I invite you to join us, though as always what ever choice you make you will be honored in.

Wed Gathering in Rockville - Deep Listening 7/14/10

This Wednesday Sandbox gathering we learn deep listening beyond mirroring. Have you ever being really and deeply listened to - where you knew in your heart that the other person got you? Or do you often feel misunderstood or unheard or interrupted? Would you like to learn the steps to be able to listen deeply to your partner(s), validate their experience and empathize with them to co-create a deeper connection? Do you want to prevent silly arguments from spouting up in your work place? Then come learn how to deeply listen. We will start with mirroring but then quickly go much deeper into listening to the other. A cheat sheet will be provided so you can take these skills home or to work.

Deep listening occurs when your mind is quiet. Your thoughts are flowing rather than crowding your mind with distractions, interpretations, judgments, conclusions, or assumptions. Your mind is open, curious, interested -- as though you were hearing this person for the first time. Deep listening applies not only to communication with another, but also to listening to ourselves and to life in general. The goal of deep listening is to hear beyond the words of the other person and yourself, to the essence of what the words and feelings are pointing to. Your mind and heart are joined in union -- you are listening wholeheartedly.


Yes deep listening takes time up front but it save time later on when you don't misunderstand what your partner wants or why a co-worker is angry and sabotaging your project. So many time wasting games and upsets can be avoided when we really hear what is in people's hearts and heads. Sometimes action is needed after listening, other times just the act of being really heard is the best balm for the situation.


You can bring a partner or partner up with someone else for the exercises. It will all be done in a safe space


The workshop begins after dinner at 8pm.  I invite you to join us, though as always what ever choice you make you will be honored in.


This workshop is based on a workshop I attended at Summer Solstice by Mata Mandir Kaur Kalsha who is a therapist and couples councilor based in Herdon VA. She also leads wonderful yoga communication workshops. You can reach her at mmkhalsa at version dot net or 703-887-2111

Wed Gathering in Rockville - Relationships without Drama 6/2/10

This Wednesday Sandbox gathering we learn how to co-create relationships without drama with Michael Rios. What would relationship be like if everyone took 100% responsibility for their own feelings?  What if every surge of emotion was seen as an invitation to connect with essence and rise to a new level of awareness and love?  What if we made the commitment to never again blame another person for our feelings? 


Avoid drama and blood clean up in your relationshipsThe more we do our own inner work, the more available and loving we are in the moment.  We no longer cling to rules and impose agreements that we hope will keep our partners from triggering painful emotions in us; we welcome those emotions, work through them, and delight in our connections whatever form they might take.  There are many paths to spiritual and emotional growth; join us as we walk the path of open-hearted relationship.


And avoid having to clean up post drama blood from the shower stall ever again! :-)



Michael Rios (http://michaelrios.com) has been creating and living alternative lifestyles and personal growth experiences for over 40 years; currently he lives at Chrysalis, an intentional community in Arlington, VA (http://www.chrysalis-va.org). His favorite social organization principles include guerrilla capitalism and responsible anarchy.  He regularly co-organizes "New Culture" events aimed at creating a culture based on awareness, compassion and freedom rather than on fear and judgment (http://www.cfnc.us, http://www.nfnc.org).


The workshop begins after dinner at 8pm.  I invite you to join us, though as always what ever choice you make you will be honored in.

Committed or devoted relationships?

This short video interview with Tantra folks Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson is interesting. (I have met them at various events many times - they give great workshops on tantra). One idea I particularly liked - would you rather be in a committed relationship or a devoted one?

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