Do you communicate to relate or to control? When your intent is to relate, you are most interested in revealing your true feelings, learning how the other feels, and connecting heart-to-heart. When your intent is to control, you are most interested in getting things to turn out a certain way - avoiding conflict, getting the person to like you, being seen as knowledgeable or helpful, etc.

Quiz (1 = usually not true, 5 = mostly true)

1. If another person and I disagree on how something should be done, I'm usually right

2. I get very uncomfortable when I don't know what's expected of me.

3. I'm almost always in the teacher role as opposed to learner role.

4. I hate feeling awkward and unsure of myself, and I avoid situations that make me feel this way.

5. If someone gives me negative feedback about something I have done I'm not likely to tell this person how the feedback affects me

6. If I'm upset by the behavior of someone close to me, I'm not like to disclose this.

From Getting Real book page 69. See that page for how to score the quiz

This entry was posted on March 18, 2007 at 8:13 PM and has received 1281 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

Sometimes we want to tell someone the truth but at the same time we are concerned about their feelings. A desire to clear the air might be accompanied by a fear of being misunderstood. Or I might both appreciate you cooking dinner when I asked you not to and be irrated that you did it too. Or  I might love you and be angry at your when you slammed the door.

When sharing mixed emotions I recommend that you use "and" between them rather than "but". A "but" tends to negate the part that come before it. Try saying these two version out loud:

"I love you and I resent you for being late"
to
"I love you but I resent you for being late"
for me the second version with "but" I don't feel the person loves me.

Quiz (from Getting Real Chapter 10 page 170)
Score 5 for general true and 1 for generally not true
1. I believe it is always better to have one clear feeling than two
2. I try to avoid feeling confused.
3. I get impatient with people who say one feeling and then immediately say another.
4. It would bother me if people thought me uncertain or unsure of myself
5. If I had to reprimand or discipline someone that I loved I would keep a stiff upper lip and avoid showing my softer, caring feelings

See the book for how to score the quiz.

This entry was posted on March 5, 2007 at 3:03 PM and has received 1360 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.

I remember programming Conways's game of life on a BBC micro in the early 80s. I was fascinated by the way the patterns defined by only a few simple rules could have such, well, life in them! Here is a web based version of the game that let's you set up patterns and watch them evolve. It also lets you play with the rules and see how that effects the game. Enjoy! http://www.ibiblio.org/lifepatterns/

This entry was posted on March 3, 2007 at 1:24 PM and has received 1225 views. There are currently 0 comments. Print this entry.